


don't make me say it

by drottkvaett



Category: Old Kingdom - Garth Nix
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29103606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drottkvaett/pseuds/drottkvaett
Summary: Sam is canonically an excellent Charter mage, and Nick is canonically excellent at accidentally ending up in uncomfortable situations. Sam is trans and uses the Charter to physically transition and Nick finds him in the middle of it one day.
Relationships: Sameth & Nicholas Sayre
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	don't make me say it

**Author's Note:**

> Trans terminology/explanations are slightly outdated because of the time period and because they are like 16 in this one and 16 year olds are awful at communication. Coming out is messy and awkward, even if it doesn't involve trying to explain magic to Nick Sayre.

Further south, the weather is mild and warm, but at Somersby, a chill wind blows from across the wall. In contrast to Ancelstierre’s mild autumn, the Old Kingdom is in the throes of a bitterly cold January. Sameth is in the dormitory bathroom, taking advantage of his temporary reconnection to the Charter to renew the spells that shape his body. At home, for the summer holiday, Sam does it every three weeks or so as the spell wears off, but at school, where the Charter is often inaccessible, and where he is generally unlikely to get a few hours of privacy, he barely manages every other month. Tonight, he’d slipped out of the dormitory and locked himself in the bathroom at the end of the hall hoping no one decided to use it, as he thought his current situation might be awkward to explain.

He lets the final marks for permanence and masculinity slide off his fingers and takes a breath before speaking a single master mark and stepping into the golden glow of Charter marks. The light around him is blinding at first, and he shuts his eyes against the glare, letting the marks settle onto his skin. The magic seeps into his body and he sighs in relief at the way it hums in his ribs.

The first time he’d done this, it had taken nearly eight hours of painstaking chains of Charter symbols, not to mention the months of research to write the spell to begin with. Then, speaking the master mark had made him lose his voice for nearly a week. After that, he’d done the spells in the reservoir using the Charter stones for strength, until he’d become skilled enough to perform the spell without them. This much Charter magic this far from the wall still exhausts him. He'll be lucky to not fall asleep during class today.

Since then, he’s gotten quicker, but it must be closing in on sunrise. Sam picks up his pajama shirt and begins to button it up again. If he’s lucky, he’ll get another two hours of sleep before chemistry. He turns to head back to the dormitory and nearly screams, leaping back. Nick is standing in the doorway, shuffling his feet and not meeting Sam’s eyes. Sam frantically tries to figure out how to handle the situation. How much had he seen?

Nick has overheard him sneaking back into bed after several of his sessions, and Sam knows Nick has noticed something off about him for a long time before that. It's not easy to hide something like this at an all-boys school, let alone from your best friend. 

“Er. Nick.” His fingers are clumsy on the buttons of his shirt.

Nick is very carefully avoiding looking at him, staring resolutely over his shoulder. “Sam.” His voice is stiff and formal.

They both stand in silence as Sam finishes buttoning his pajamas. Nick is clearly attempting to suppress his curiosity in favor of a more mannerly approach.

“What were you doing?” 

Sam sighs inwardly. He’d rather hoped that Nick’s proper upbringing would triumph, and they could both go to bed and pretend nothing had happened 

“What did you see?”

Nick doesn’t acknowledge the question, just repeats himself in the same stilted tone. “What were you doing?”

“I was doing Charter magic,” he evades.

“Yes, I could see that! I recognize your tricks when I see them.” Any trace of his previous wooden tone is gone, replaced by irritation. “What in hell’s name were you doing with them, Sam?”

Sam’s jaw tenses. They have been heading toward this conversation for quite some time, but Sam has somehow never pictured it being this awkward. He desperately tries to redirect the conversation. “It’s not a trick! It’s the Charter! It’s an ancient structure of symbols that I was using to...” He trails off.

Nick pushes. “That you were using to…?”

Sam shuts his eyes. “You already know, Nick.”

“Know what?”

“Are you going to make me say it?”

“Say  _ what? _ ”

He grits his teeth and opens his eyes. “I’m not a man in the same way you are, Nick.” Every word is a struggle to say, and he still can’t meet Nick’s eyes. “I wasn’t—” He jerks his gaze up to meet Nick’s. “I wasn’t born like this,” he spits out. 

Nick is unreadable, and Sam can’t bear to keep looking at him. He wants to crawl under the sink and stay there. “You were right,” Nick finally says. “I did know. I didn’t want to bring it up because you didn’t.”

“Yeah.” There isn’t anything else to say.

Sam bites his lip. “Don’t tell anyone, please?” He hates how small his voice sounds.

Nick grins suddenly. “‘Course I won’t. It’s our secret. You’re just Sam.”

Sam tries to smile back as tears well in his eyes. “Just Sam,” he repeats. A drop winds its way down his cheek and he brushes it away, embarrassed. Nick pulls him into an awkward hug, and Sam sniffles into his chest, suddenly exhausted.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of ideas about trans Sam, so maybe there will be more of this someday?


End file.
